A blog that I read semi-regularly had an interesting post today on spanking. She wanted to know “Were you spanked growing up? Does it affect how you discipline as a parent? And if you’re a spanker, please tell me why it works for you.” I’ve actually thought about posting about spanking before, but shied away because of the controversy. But here goes.
I was spanked growing up. I don’t really remember it, though. My parents did not just spank - we had time-outs, lost tv privileges, had last night’s dinner served to us at breakfast when we refused to eat and, later, got grounded. (I think I was grounded throughout most of high school.) I don’t think that my being spanked or not as a child had much to do with how I discipline my children. (My husband was spanked growing up as well).
When we had our first, I was still unsure about spanking. How could I ever to this sweet, innocent little baby? Simply unimagineable. Then she learned to crawl. And stuck her hand in the oven. And burned all of her fingers on her right hand. I realized that I needed a firmer form of discipline simply to protect her.
So we started telling her “No.” And if she disobeyed, she got a swat on her hand. Which she did NOT like. And it worked. She began to obey. Soon, we rarely had to swat her hand because she responded so well. We would tell her no and she would look longingly at the vcr which she was trying to stick her hand in. We would say, “Do you need discipline to help you obey?” And she would obey. We didn’t start spanking her on her bottom until she was around 18 months old. And that was just as effective. (We did the same thing with Little Sis).
Now, we use spanking with both the girls (age 3 & 2). But it is rarely needed. Big Sister is spanked probably once a week. Little Sister, probably once a day, since her hobby is putting her life in danger. (She was spanked yesterday for jumping up and down in the bathtub. After I told her to stop.)
Some stipulations:
1. We never spank in public. This includes spanking in front of other people in our home. The purpose is to correct the behavior, not to humiliate them. Even if its just me and the two girls at home, if they need discipline they get it separately and in the privacy of their own room with the door shut.
2. We never spank when we are angry. This is hard. It continually amazes me how someone so small can make me so. incredibly. angry. If I am losing my cool, then they get a time-out in their beds. And so do I. Spanking is not a way to vent my frustration on my kids. Despite the temptation. Especially at 4am. When you’ve been woken up for the 5th time. For no apparent reason except your daughter’s personal entertainment. (I’m sure I’ve slipped on this one or two times….)
3. We have a routine. I take them into their rooms and they sit in my lap. I ask them what they did: “What did Mommy tell you?” “Not to touch the stove.” “Did you obey?” “No.” “So you need two disciplines.” (2 spanks) Then, they get cuddled and we talk about what happened, what they could have done differently. Sometimes we pray. They always apologize and they’re always forgiven. We give kisses and hugs and then they jump down and go back to playing. Its over and we move on.
4. Except in rare cases (like when they put their lives in danger), they get a warning before they are spanked.
5. We don’t always use spanking. Time-outs are more common. Losing privileges has started. (If there is fighting over the tv (”Dora!” “No! Blues Clues!” scream!!), it goes off for the rest of the day.) It varies from situation to situation, child to child.
Its hard to spank - I’ve cried while doing it. Particularly when they are getting spanked for doing something dangerous and I’m so upset at the thought of what could have happened. (Like the day Big Sis ran into the street and missed being hit by a pick-up truck by inches. Inches.) But I am convinced that - if done well - spanking is an effective and important form of discipline.
The problem, of course, is that people are morons. People beat their kids. There is a lot of suppressed rage in people these days - exhibit a: road rage. And its sad. I don’t think spanking should be banned, since I know so many parents who use it well. But, it breaks my heart to think of people taking things out of their children.
We know a family who adopted from overseas and are not permitted to spank the child (they did spank their other 3). And they’ve shared how without spanking, it is much more difficult to control behavioral issues and to discourage disobedience. Interesting observation.
I’m sure there are people out there who think I’m a monster for spanking my kids and deserve to be thrown in jail. Fine. I remain convinced that this is a respectable form of discipline. I cling to Hebrews 12:11 - No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
That’s what I’ve been arguing forever. Kids don’t need to be doing ballet, soccer, swimming, gymnastics, horseback riding & french lessons at the age of 4. It is just not necessary! I will officially stop feeling guilty that I am not raising little over-achieving Baby Einstein robotchildren.
