fun. crazy. life.

I feel like this week is the real test. We’re back to our normal activities: Bible Study, Ballet, etc. Husband will be traveling. Our meals from church will be ending so I need to start cooking again. I have to sign the kids up for swim lessons and we’re deciding about summer camps and activities. I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow, nevermind in 3 months!
One minute I feel ready to take on the world - I am going to kick this week’s butt! -  then next minute I feel like crawling into my bed, pulling the covers over my head and staying there because I am so overwhelmed by it all. Every time I turn around, there is a kid wanting something or needing help. Ellie and Grace have been bickering all day about the pink My Little Pony. It all seems tied to sleep. If I have a good stretch of sleep that night, I feel okay. If its a night like last night when Colin wanted to eat all night long, its a bit harder to get perspective :-)  Although all 4 of us took a nap this afternoon, which was a piece of heaven! But then I was suddenly crying for no apparent reason. Grrrr… hormones.
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On a brighter note, we had a GREAT weekend. Friday night the girls slept at a friends’ house and we enjoyed a night with just Colin. It was wonderful!! We got some extra sleep and lots done around the house. (A piece of our fridge fell off on Friday. That was just my week last week.) 
We also did some research and discovered that the camera the kids broke was only worth about $70. We bought it 3 years ago for like $400. So depressing. But good for them, since we are now not quite so annoyed at them. So now Husband is busily researching cameras. Because we simply can NOT get the same camera for $70. Why would we? Not when there are new, better, more advanced cameras out there.
Boys.
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Speaking of spending money, I need a new cell phone. My phone now holds a charge for approximately 5 minutes.  Any suggestions? I was looking at the Razr - in PINK of course - but I’ve heard that they aren’t that great. Anyone have one? What about the Motokrzr? Why do these phones have such weird names?
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Despite all my hormonal emotions, I am completely enamored with this baby. Seriously - I could sit and stare at him all day. His sweetness makes my heart hurt.

So my friends are taking the girls away! Until Sunday! Today I am dropping them off at a birthday party and picking them up at church on Sunday. How nice is that? Hopefully I will be a much nicer mommy when I get them on Sunday.
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Husband came home last night and handled the whole camera-incident with much more grace and calm that I could have. He handled it beautifully. I was very impressed in my haze of sleep-deprived rage.
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I feel really bad for my girls. I feel like they are bearing the brunt of my sleep deprivation. I’m pretty patient with Colin, seeing as he’s 10 days old and very little and cute.  But the girls seem to be seeing most of my impatience and grumpiness. I feel bad. I’m glad that they get to go off with their friends this weekend and have fun and get away from grumpy mama. And that grumpy mama can get some sleep.
I’m trying to be really loving with them and giving them extra hugs and kisses and love. But I don’t feel like its enough.

I’m continually shocked at how much my own attitude and outlook on life has an effect on my entire family. If Mama’s in a bad mood, then everyone is. And I am also shocked at how often my mood depends on my perspective on life. Its kind-of like the age-old saying about the glass being half-empty or half-full… how I am seeing that glass can seep into every area of my life.

Am I being thankful that God provides for all of my needs or am I grumpily focusing on that which I don’t have? (Most of which would definitely qualify as a “want” not a need!) Am I beating myself up over what I didn’t get done or am I proud of what I was able to accomplish? Am I pleased with the progress my kids are making or am I frustrated that they are not perfect? (Like I am. Ahem.) Its all about my perspective.

I can  be resentful that Husband’s job involves long hours and travel.
or
I can be thankful that he is finally in a job he enjoys and has a boss who encourages everyone to put family first.

I can complain about being uncomfortable, unable to sleep and fat. And uncomfortable.
or
I can remind myself that every little kick (and huge thump) is a sign that my baby is growing and healthy. I can enjoy this pregnancy, remembering when I thought I may not be able to have more kids. And eat ice cream when I want to, since when am I going to get to do that again without feeling guilty?

I can browse real estate listings that I can’t afford and whine about every little thing that annoys me about our house.
or
I can remember why we bought it. How it was so much better than what we thought we would find. And drive by our old house and wonder how we all fit inside.

I can beat myself up about being unable to do everything I want to. About how I’m not sewing as much as I want for Eliza Grace or working on the house enough. Or thinking I’m a slacker because things are messy.
or
I can accept that I need to take it easy right now. And that I can’t do everything. Why is that so hard to grasp?

Tomorrow both girls are in school for three hours in the morning.

And I am determined to do something for myself. I need a kid-free break this week.

But I don’t know what to do with myself! Clearly, an obvious answer would be “go to the spa and get a massage and a pedicure” - which would be awesome - except I do not have $200 to spare so I need something a tad cheaper. I suppose I could sleep. But that’s kind-of boring.

Any ideas?

*****update
I ended up running to the grocery store (not relaxing) but then I came home, took a long hot bath, gave myself a mani and pedi, read my book and drank lots of coffee. Very nice. I did decide, though, that I am no longer able to give myself a nice pedicure. Seeing as it is rather uncomfortable to reach my feet now. Guess I’ll have to go to the spa. Darn.

I love Thursdays. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are so full and crazy. But Thursday… my only morning when I have both girls in school and nothing on my schedule. I can be in my home alone. This is something you can not possibly fully appreciate until you have small children. It is a rarity, a treasure to be enjoyed.

I have made a pact with myself that I am not allowed to clean Thursday mornings. No matter how dirty the house is. I will not waste this precious time. Granted, I’m usually found running various errands (alone!) or working at my sewing machine. But its still  wonderfully relaxing. No interruptions, no one to take care of…

I won’t have this come April, since I’ll have a new baby. I’ll be back to having children around. All. The. Time. But for now, I can enjoy these 3 wonderful hours without the slightest twinge of guilt.

Heaven.

Anyone else feel this way? Besides everybody?

Lately I just can’t seem to find enough time. Granted, I’m sleeping more due to le bebe, but still. I feel like life is zooming past me at an impossible speed. My to-do list is a mile long and just keeps getting longer. And I have many well-intentioned things on my would-like-to-do list: families we’d like to have over for a meal, people I need to call, places we’d like to visit with the kids….
It seems that by the time we get done with all the urgent “must-do” things, we’re either out of time or out of energy for anything else. And there’s still yard work not getting done, clothes to be put away (oh, the clothes that need to be put away….), and that nagging to-do list.
Then I start to beat myself up. Surely I’m not doing enough. Never mind the fact that I barely have enough energy to drag myself up to bed at night, surely I am not doing enough. I must need to do more. I was talking to a friend about this just today and we were laughing about how we both feel exactly the same way. Despite the fact that we’re already over committed, we feel guilty that we’re not doing x, y or z.
But, I need to be constantly reminded that God doesn’t ask me to do more. My place right now is taking care of my family and my home. Investing my energy in raising my children. I am to be faithful in my responsibilities. Right now, that means potty training and wiping noses and cleaning bathrooms. Not a very glamorous calling, but that is where I am right now. Someday I’ll have free time and be more available to help out and volunteer more of my time. Perhaps doing something more thrilling than wiping noses. Perhaps not.
But, in the meantime, I need to stop beating myself up every time I pass that sign-up sheet by without putting my name on it. I won’t be doing anyone a service by signing up to be room mom right now, since I’ll probably do a poor job and burn myself out.
I just need to remember to be faithful with what is already on my very-full plate.